NewsArt – ENGLAND’S SUPPORT FOR ASHES TEAM/DUBIOUS SNOWMEN

England and Australia are currently at a draw in the Ashes cricket series. This is about as far as my understanding/interest of cricket goes and I’ll be quite amazed if I got that fact right.

But as it still tis the season and the cricket seems important I thought I should make a Christmassy artwork about this event before the holidays arrive.

Due to a current overabundance of snow in London I thought I would do my bit for the country and gather up some of it into this  snowman. I’ve used him to depict what I see as the English attitude to competitive sport.

England vs Australia Ashes

In the UK they have this children’s Christmas movie they watch every year. I was recently introduced to it. The film is called The Snowman and it is incredibly boring, depressing and disturbing, all at once.

What I can remember from the bits I managed to stay awake for is the following…

A small child makes a snowman who comes to life. He (the child) then sneaks this adult (who has had no police background checks and refuses to even speak) into his house. He tries to stop him waking his parents, almost as though he instinctively knows his parents would be disturbed to find them alone together.

The snowman then abducts him from the home, takes him (on a motorbike!) to a party with other snowmen of unknown backgrounds and character. I then fell asleep but apparently Santa was at the party. Maybe some other things happen, though I doubt it.

They then return home and the boy wakes to find… that the snowman has melted to death!

It ends with the boy standing silently weeping over the corpse of his new friend. Credits roll. Merry Christmas!

The English find this tale of death and loss FESTIVE!

A story of a boy hanging out with a friend who has melted to death within a day of meeting is not happy. I think the English are the same about their sport.

They hope that they will have many days of victory and joy and happiness with their national sporting teams. They even let themselves begin to get excited occasionally.

But when they then fail everyone immediately says they expected it all along. They stand with their shoulders slumped in the snow, staring at yet another corpse that was once their dreams of victory, and they sigh and say ‘this is just how it has to be’.

They resign themselves to the philosophy that it was to be expected; the English team always loses and the snow man had to melt before too much fun could be had.

All that is missing from the usual English cricket match is a sorrowful choir boy singing ‘I’m walking in the air’ to accompany the team walking back into the changerooms.

Whereas while the English are watching this fun cartoon of death over the Christmas holiday, Australians watch the yearly Boxing Day cricket test. Hence we are less imaginative or musical in our cricket support during the festive season but at least we get straight to the point.

So this artwork is a snowman to represent The Snowman who represents England’s melted dreams of success in sport.

And my main point is, if the English win the Ashes then they’ll be happy for a bit but eventually they will go back to being depressed and standing in a cold puddle of dead hope and lost childhood. And also it’s just a game so let’s not get worked up about it and I don’t even watch it so who cares.

On the other hand, if Australia win then cricket is awesome, as are we and our non melty snowmen, and in your face England!

Anyway, Happy Christmas. I’m going to spend it surrounded by snow and making snowmen friends who I then play cricket against. Let’s see you grip a bat, melty! One nil Australia!

*Oh, I forgot, the most annoying part of the Snowman is there is NO talking throughout. It is all to music. How long do they think a child’s/my attention span is?!

Oh and also the cartoon is unrealstic because even a magical motorbike-riding snowman would be unable to get around amidst the transport chaos Britain is swamped in at the first signs of snow. For shame Snowman!

NewsArt – STUDENT ANGER AT SANTA LIE

Because it tis the season, I’ve decided to do Christmas themed art for the news.

Just like Santa, the pre-election Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg promised us all manner of treats if we were good; a vote for free higher education, the scrapping of Trident and… a wooden sword for Timmy (I haven’t refreshed my memory on the Lib Dem policies for a while).

Today, however, he and his party have helped the Conservatives vote to dramatically increase university tuition fees. This has resulted in outraged protests around the UK for several weeks.

Nick Clegg lied to us just like our parents did about Santa.

Santa was a beautiful lie and so was the belief that a vote for the Lib Dems was a direct vote for their policies.

Lib Dem Lies

Hence I had no choice but to take this effigy of Santa Claus down to the protests in London today and set fire to it. This clearly demonstrated voter anger over the Liberal Democrat betrayal.

Surprisingly the nearby students were really upset by this. Some of them even screamed but I discovered this was because I had set fire to the Santa right where a man dressed as Santa has been collecting money for charity just seconds before.

However once I explained that the effigy engulfed in roaring flames was not that Santa, or the real Santa, and furthermore that Santa was not real, they continued to be upset and seemingly confused?! And some of these were even mature age students, old enough to be parents (I’m assuming the small children standing there belonged to them) yet they seemed too immature to understand the political comparisons as I shouted ‘Santa is burning to death along with his lies!’.

It made me wonder if these university students understand what they are protesting at all.

Whiny Students Crying at Some Santa Burning

To try to help matters I then drew crude images of the Easter Bunny being violated (as a metaphor for the violation of our innocent belief in the fairytale of a mutually beneficial Coalition that prioritises the wishes of the people and not the stronger party’s agenda and also brings you chocolate hopefully).

Unfortunately they wrestled the pornographic rabbit drawings off me and pushed me away before I could explain the analogy.

Now all I can do is hope that these aggressive students get lumps of coal instead of degrees in their graduation stockings! (wait… if Santa was fake why did I continue to get coal every Christmas?)