News Art – HOMEOPATHY FUNDING CANCELLED

The British Medical Association has voted to stop funding homeopathic treatment on the NHS. They have decided also that homeopathic treatments should be labelled ‘placebo’ rather than ‘medicine’ when sold in pharmacies.

NB. Homeopathy is the practice of administering substances that have caused a patient’s illness but only after they have been heavily diluted in water, eg. using a diluted onion to cure hayfever. They believe the more diluted the more potent the remedy.

The cynicism of this disgusted me! Who are these doctors to act like God (when he conducts scientific and carefully checked studies on products that claim to cure very serious illnesses)?! You can’t quantify or measure the amount of good that comes from a ‘cure’ that someone has faith in (or if you do it’s in millilitres I guess).

NHS to no longer fund Homeopathy

I decided to treat these doctors to a taste of their own medicine (WORDPLAY ALERT! WORDPLAY ALERT) but in ART form. I thought of the most cynical thing anyone could do…

I built a sculpture of an amusement park on top of a pier in the ocean, a reminder of our carefree childhood days of hope and belief in the unseen (like fairies or evidence of any benefits from homeopathy)… and then I BURNED it down in the ultimate sardonic and scornful attack on optimism and hope!

Setting it up in the sea meant I had diluted this act of cynicism with the greatest amount of water possible. I then forced these so called ‘doctors’ (or actually called ‘doctors’) to drink from the diluted cynicism disease.

The effects were immediate and disappointing. The doctors merely vomited the cynicism/salt water up, their bodies rejecting the cure. Clearly their years of training and book learning have ruined them and there is no cure for their jaded world view… unless I can dilute the mineral jade?

NB: I just realised it was a taste of the homeopathy medicine, not their own medicine so WORDPLAY FALSE ALERT WORDPLAY FALSE ALERT!

News Art – GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL REVIEW

The Glastonbury Festival was an amazing, sun soaked extravaganza of fun, friendship and f… f… festival attributes. This is my ART review of it.

I have sculpted this figure of a carefree and youthful man, dancing as though he has no care in the world, despite the fact that his penis has been snapped off. I have also adapted a popular poem to go with it.

The Glastonbury Festival 2010

“Dance as though no one is watching you,

Love as though you can’t smell the five days of sweat and other people’s pee on your partner’s clothes,

Sing as though the people around you came to hear you and not the professional band on stage,

Live as though you haven’t spent five days leaving toilets shouting ‘Oh God, I looked down again! Why do I keep looking down in there?!! What do I expect to see?! How did that come out of a human?!!!’

News Art Prediction – WORLD SUBMERGED UNDER WATER

As I have stated already (so stop going on about it) I am currently away. The last few days have required me to PREDICT THE NEWS EACH DAY by using all my journalistic and soothsayer skills (if you would like a copy of my erotic crimefiction novel, The Journsayer, please contact me. It’s perfect for holiday reading by the pool or leaving by the pool).

I am currently writing this on Tuesday 22nd June and imagining what world we are all in by Tuesday 29th. Here is what I am fairly sure will occur in the not too distant future (Tuesday).

SEA LEVELS ROSE TODAY TO WIPE OUT NEARLY ALL OF HUMAN KIND (EXCEPT PEOPLE WHO DRESS LIKE THE FILM MAD MAX)
The drastic effects of climate change were finally felt as the oceans rose to wipe out billions of people. The earth has been submerged, leaving only a water world. Officials urged the stockmarket not to panic as it has never been a confident swimmer.

World of Water

I was very sad about these events. I have always liked humanity and the earth and the combination of the two.

I wanted to make what could be my last art piece in tribute to this event. Due to the momentousness of this occasion I decided to go out big and acquire funding of roughly $175m, a record sum for an artwork. I began work on a giant sea water enclosure to depict what I felt life would become in this frightening future on Tuesday.

Unfortunately we were hit by production hassles, budget worries and a hurricane and the above is all that was left of the piece.

Reception was disappointing with many notable art critics being highly critical of the piece, taking their job title far too literally for my liking. I hope the post apocalyptic civilisation we are left with learns from these catastrophic events about the need to appreciate my art better.

News Art Prediction – TELECOMMUNICATIONS BREAKTHROUGH

As mentioned last week, I am currently away. Well, while I write this I’m not, I’m sitting on my bed wondering what the odd smell in my room is.

However, by the time you read this it will be the future and I will now be in the past, still on my bed with the funny smell. But also I will be in the present with you which is the future to… them. Also I’ll be taller.
The previous two days of ARTicles have been what I can only assume were accurate predictions of the future/present/now the past. However as I try to think even further ahead to Monday/today/the future I find it a far off and distant prospect.

What will the future hold? I have used my best powers of deduction to figure this out and have hence reported the following news, which I assume will have happened about 8am today for you.

After years of speculation, scientists have finally developed the next stage in communication, appropriate to the future/current day that we now live in and which seems normal to us now, despite our strange new clothes that are all pastel coloured.

Using the latest research into enzymes and brainwaves and… laboratories and… the latest Flash player upgrade, scientists have finally brought telepathy from the realms of science fiction into the realm of non fiction and shut off the doors to all other realms so it is trapped.

BT Tower

I was most excited when I read about this as I wrote it. I wondered how the scientists will achieve this great advancement in technology but being only a humble/amazing artist I can only guess.

I have built this tower to signify how I believe the new telepathy communication will be achieved. I think that everyone will be given small, hand-held boxes that will enable them to connect to this giant tower which manages the individual telepathic neurony messages between all humans. The customers will then press simple keys on the box to pick who they want to communicate with telepathically. This will alert the recipient that someone wants them to open their brainwaves for communication. They will press a button agreeing to this invitation and then the telepathy will begin!

After a trial period I think people will find the silence as the world communicates in telepathy disturbing and people will be encouraged to voice out loud what they have just mentally communicated, probably into their boxes so there is no confusion as to who they are talking to.

I have called the tower the BT Tower, to stand for Benign Telepathy. This is to signify the Telepathy and also that it is a benign technology as I’m sure people will be worried about the obvious brain tumour risk to do with the high degree of radiation needed to enable the communication.
THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!! (not now now but now now when you’re reading this now)

News Art Prediction – RIOTS ACROSS ENGLAND

As mentioned yesterday, I am away for a few days. However, as the news doesn’t take holidays and art only has weekends off, I have prepared news predictions and accompanying art for the days I am away. Here is today’s…
After George Osborne announced drastic budget cuts on Tuesday, fears of riots harking back to Margaret Thatcher’s reign  became a reality as protests erupted around England.

Reaction to Budget Cuts

I was appalled when I heard/imagined this scenario. Why can’t we have civilised and constructive debate in these very serious times? How are we ever going to progress when neither side will listen to the other?
I decided to make an artwork about the dangers of miscommunication.

I was inspired to remember the story of the Tower of Babel from the Bible. In this man’s pride made them believe they could build a tower that would reach heaven itself. So God made all the men working on it speak in different languages, making communication impossible.

I gained access to this skyscraper that was mid construction. Rather than make everyone forget their native tongue, which I probably could have engineered eventually, I instead gave them all detailed booklets to play roles in a giant game of Host A Murder Mystery. Each construction worker played a different character in a murder mystery set in a 1920s mansion.

What they didn’t  know was that none of the clues I was giving them each matched up. As they believed themselves to be nearing a solution as to who the murderer was, they were actually merely becoming more befuddled and confused, and falling further and further behind in the deadline on finishing the skyscraper.

After three weeks I revealed the news to the owners of the site and their employees. They were suitably angered at their folly.

News Art Prediction – ENGLAND’S CONTROVERSIAL WORLD CUP LOSS

I might not have mentioned this enough times but I have left for the Glastonbury festival. So as to not deprive the world of my art while I am away being  inspired by and, more likely, being inspiring to musicians, I have prepared news predictions and accompanying art for each day I am away. This is the first.

Last night England’s vital match with Slovenia ended in shock when, in the last 5minutes of the game, as the score lay at 14-14, a small child suddenly ran onto the pitch. Seeing that he was in danger of being run over by a local rhinocerous who had charged onto the pitch after being frightened by the vuvuzelas, team manager Fabio Capello ran onto the pitch to pick up the child, despite all players being determined to play on. The rhinocerous was then tackled by a roaming pack of English football hooligans.

Capello’s action forced a penalty shot to Slovenia and they won 15-14. The decision earned Capello widespread condemnation from the British public and media.

England's shock loss to Slovenia

I was very moved and quite surprised by this news/prediction of mine. I have sculpted this replica rhinocerous to remind us all of the message that sometimes there are more important/immediately-dangerous things in life than who wins and who loses. Most of them are to do with escaped wild animals.

This is something England seems to have forgotten… in my scenario.

News ARTicles ANNOUNCEMENT and ARTicle

ANNOUNCEMENT:: Because I’m a soulful artist now I realised I should go to the Glastonbury Festival today. However as I am dedicated to reporting the day’s events, even when I am not there to give a researched or accurate account, I have prepared news reports for the days I am gone.

Using my superior reporting skills and current affairs knowledge thing and words learning and such, I have made precise predictions of what the news will be from Thursday to Tuesday. Then, thanks to the wonders of science and keyboards, I have managed to ‘schedule’ these articles to appear early each day.

In the meantime, please enjoy this update on Japan’s political upheaval.

Dip in polls for new Japanese Government

The situation with Prime Minister Naoto Kan has developed significantly with a replacement fridge being brought in to our work, only to then freeze two bottles of milk over the weekend.This indicates a definite cooling off in voter opinion, confirmed by recent surveys after he floated the idea of raising Japan’s sales tax.

I will keep you abreast(teehee) of any further developments (teehee) in the ongoing soy milk situation/new Japanese government.

News Art – HARRY POTTER WORLD

The Harry Potter theme park has opened in Florida. It gives fans a chance to feel they are really experiencing life in the village of Hogsmeade and Hogwarts Castle. Art director Alan Gilmore said it is an immersive environment that allows you to enter the Harry Potter world.

This made me angry and worried and fearful, an emotion I often get when children’s education is at stake and I have termed Angworful! These people are playing with fire and they are playing with our children’s souls, which are very likely highly flammable!

What JK Rowling and her flunkies seem to be ignoring here is that children have trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy. If they have created a world that is as realistic and immersive as they claim than many impressionable young minds will come away thinking that the village they have just walked through and the ‘magic’ they have just witnessed is REAL and TRUE TO LIFE.

In reality we all know that Hogsmeade and Hogwarts are MILES away in England and NOWHERE NEAR Florida!

This is flagrant abuse of trust and I don’t even want to think what it will do for tourism in the true Hogsmeade. For SHAME Universal! I have written to Hogswarts, care of an owl I trapped, and offered them any help finding legal representation on this matter or locating a spell that stirs up Health and Safety lawsuits for theme parks  (I think it’s called Heartconditionus).

While I wait to hear back from them I have made a Revenge Artwork to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I staged a musical called Wicked where I took a well respected American politician (The Wizard of Oz) and made a fake and false account of his life story.

See how the Americans like that!… (so far, according to box office sales, they like it a lot… I’m quite proud really, the whole crew put their heart and soul into getting it up and running at such short notice and it’s just been a complete labour of love. I mean if no one came to see the Revenge Art/musical it would still have been a satisfying process but the fact that people are liking what we’ve made here is just a testimony to why you should always follow your instincts or anger over Theme Parks).

News Art – TIGER WOODS

Tiger Woods continued his return to golf coming fourth in the US Open yesterday. This follows even more sex scandal controversy after a porn star last week claimed he is the father of her 9 year old son.


The revelations of Tiger Woods’ many extra marital affairs highlighted the fact that he had built a fortress around his true self to protect his image from hungry media and fans. But this has left him isolated and disconnected. He is like Superman in his fortress of solitude except instead of saving lives he makes Nike commercials and instead of being able to see through walls Tiger is able to see through non-profitable clauses in Nike commercials and instead of wearing a giant S logo on his clothing whenever in public Tiger sleeps with lots of women he’s not married to.

Tiger Woods 4th In US Open

He is now back in the game he loves but has he learned anything? The real question is, have we learned anything? Or even more importantly, have I?
Do we as human non-golfers also build fortresses around our true selves and feelings, scared of being hurt or hounded by paparazzi? I know I do. I decided to build this fortress in the middle of London but I then invited people to come inside my fortress. The hope was that it would make people stop for a moment in their busy lives and think about human connections.

The results made me, on the whole, more fearful for the human race following conversations such as the following;
ME: “Hello, would you like to come into my fortress?”
ART CRITIC: “Pardon?”
ME: “Oh it’s nothing weird, it’s just a metaphorical fortress of emotional walls. And also this actual fortress behind me”.
ART CRITIC: “Uh, no thank you”

ME: “Hello, would you like to enter my fortress?”
ART CRITIC 2: “Yes!”
ME: “You would?!”
ART CRITIC 3: “Leave the strange lady alone, Timmy”
ART CRITIC 2: “Waaaah”

ME: “Hello, want to come inside my fortress?”
ART CRITIC 4: “Yes I do pretty lady. How much you charge?”
ME: “Nothing, art is free!”
ART CRITIC 4: “Free? Very giving. You all clean?”
ME: “It’s very cl- oh, uh… actually, I think I need to close the art fortress now sorry”.

The failure of this artwork taught me a lot about emotional defences, the danger of pride and masonry.

News Art – THIS IS NOT MY ARTWORK

For the first time I am featuring an amazing intallation by someone other than me! This is a very thought provoking piece by an anonymous artist. I apologise for the slight delay in the story as I only deciphered its meaning today.

Recently our work fridge developed a foul, awful odour. The culprit was discovered to be some off soy milk whose smell had become imbedded in the fridge. For the next five days we had to hold our breath whenever we approached the area and the entire kitchen had to be cleaned thoroughly.

Japan PM resigns

At first I thought it was merely some careless act by a random idiot who hates cows. That was until I checked the expiry date and realised that the artist must have timed it for the stench to reach its peak the day before Japan’s Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama resigned in early June!

CLEARLY the soy milk represents Japan, a country synonomous with this product. It had been left to rot, pointing to the decay in the Japanese public’s faith in politics after the new Prime Minister failed to honour his promise regarding forcing an American army base to leave Okinawa.

This eventuated in a complete clean out of the fridge and the soy milk/figurehead/Prime Minister was forced to leave. The original food items/Hatoyama cabinet were then put back in the fridge/parliament.

Shannon, Rahul and Hannah, the three employees seated closest to the fridge, represent the Japanese public made to endure the stench of failure emanating from the financial-scandal-dogged government. Rahul was forced to move seats but has returned in the last two days, signalling a warming in opinion from the scandal-weary Japanese voters for new Prime Minister Naota Kan. Interesting times.

NB: Since interpreting this artwork it has been discovered that the milk had also been spilled on the carpet, explaining the length of time the stench has remained. This may mean Kan’s small changes to the cabinet will not be enough and an entirely new government  will need to be elected. Only time and some intensive carpet cleaning products will tell.